Sunday, April 22, 2012

Parade of the False Alarms

There is a risk that I'm posting about this too hastily and may yet need to reverse my course again (if I should be so fortunate), but I'm laid low once again by what might be the false promise of the serotonogenic supplements.  Its baaaaack, and I am a miserable puppy for it.  I had a tear of three normal nights of sleep last week - so simple and so utterly human a pattern it was - go to bed, fall asleep, wake up feeling great.  Last sunday it returned - I was forced to practice conscious nocturnal bed laying, at least till I took a restoril to knock me asleep (probably a big mistake).  So it began anew - the next night, it was a Lunesta.  As for that medication, it has outlived its usefulness.  I've maybe averaged taking about 30 Lunesta each year over the past few years, and it has stopped working for me.  Now, I take the pill, and it takes about 2 hours for it to finally knock me out.  Then I wake up 4 hours later feeling hung-over.  And worst of all, more often than not, is that I've noticed that I become really depressed later in the day - to the tune of suicidal thoughts and utter life-negating unassailable loneliness and hopelessness.  And that is much less the case when I do not take the pill and get only 4 hours of sleep (like last night).  The pills are a psychological crutch, and most of the time make you worse off for their use than if you had not taken them at all.

Sill I'm left with a sinking abyss-like feeling, as if my life is being eviscerated and dismembered into a pile of refuse that sits and waits......for sleep.

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