Tantalizing memories of evenings full of the unspoken and implicit assumption that I would be able to sleep: Of being able to plan to participate in social events without reservation, taking the ability to awake in the morning after a full night slumber very much for granted; of falling asleep once at my desk at work, unable to resist the pressure to sleep; of falling asleep during long drives to field sites in my consulting days; of going to conferences and sleeping fine on the floor of a motel room between beds in a roomful of people........
My life was once like this, until the fall of 2003, when it all changed for reasons that I don't quite understand. Now most mornings are accompanied by the thought of "how much longer can I keep this up", driving to work trying to strategize the path of least resistance to get through the day. Though I am single, have no family responsibilities/kids, have no money or debt worries, work no more than 40 or so hours a week, my time is still not my own. My time by necessity is dedicated to self maintenance rituals that theoretically maximize my body's ability to sleep, but in reality fall well short of the mark. Yesterday: 1 hour of intense weight training after work, drive home for dinner, some e-mail correspondence. Then 30 minutes of tai chi, 1 hour of listening to a meditative drum CD while in supported shoulder stand, then under the sheets for what seems to be my latest pattern - 3 - 4 hours of fitful sleep with relatively rapid onset, then awake and strung out. I did an hour of meditation between 4-5 AM (which turned out to be unusually deep), hoping that would enable me to get some more sleep, but nothing more than 2 hours of subsequent wakeful bed laying ensued.
Sigh..........is there any other option other than trying to get as comfortable as possible within this abyss?
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